170

I think it was Friday night when I had my revelation into my own existance. I've been mulling it over for a few days, and here goes.


But first, some background.


For those who know me, which I presume would be all of you, you know that I'm a single guy. For awhile actually. Actually, my last relationship of which to speak was the first week of my freshman year in high school. It lasted about that long as well: a week. Hardly a relationship, so I don't really count it. This is the extent of the dating I've done in the last 7 years. My attempts at high school romance abruptly ended when I was shot down via instant message my senior year. Since, I won't say I haven't looked, but I haven't tried. I simply had too many things to do, full-time school, full-time work, worship team, college group, friends, snowboarding, etc. I knew I was leaving in two years for university. I'd get a dog and drive with his head hanging out the window of a Chevy pickup truck.


When I came up to college, I figured I'd have a fresh start. Maybe meet a nice hippy girl, we'd go pick up garbage and commune with nature, slack line, talk about politics, bash the Establishment, talk Marxism and about why capitalism sucks. I found myself wanting a relationship, but never actually having the cajones to talk to that pretty girl in class. I heard about girls liking me but didn't care. I maintained the same mindset as I had had at Clark College, essentially. I was (and am) scared of girls. They were a distraction. A tie-down, if you will. They would keep me from what two goals I had - travel with my dog (which I've not yet acquired) and settling in the mountains.


I basically didn't want to work for it. I just wanted to have fun.


On winter break, I sat down and had a lengthy conversation with my grandpa on this exact subject. This was the turning point for me. I won't go into the details of the conversation, but what eventually came out was for me to realize that I couldn't be alone forever.


I began to be interested. Actively interested for once. You know what it did? It made winter quarter suck. I had my fair share of fun, but always in the back of my mind was "Does this girl like me? What about what she said that one time when we did this?" I hated my spinelessness as I began to marginalize my faith for the sake of my own likability. I was selling out. And I knew it. I became a jerk due to my irritability. I was always worried, and worry would flare up when I realized I had a paper due. Like now.

Which actually brings me to now.

I like girls. I'm terrified of them, and I'm terrified I'll never find one that's worth the guts it took to say hi in the first place. But I was happier with the notion I'd be single forever. It gave me an excuse to be scared. I never pursued, and I was fine with that. And while I do need to get over myself and being scared (I mean, seriously, the worst that could happen is they could say "Go away you loser") I'm content with being single for now. If things work out with someone in the next year and a half, sweet. If not, sweet. I really don't care. Yeah, there's someone right now I'm interested in. But pushing it toward a dating relationship right away is just not going to make things happen the way God intended them to. Again, if things work out, sweet. If not, totally fine with that.

Otherwise, I've been realizing I don't do well with people around me ALL THE TIME. Such is living in the dorms. And such will be being a resident advisor. I just need to figure out a balance. One thing is for sure, though. Next year, I'll have my own room. And in that room will NOT be a TV.

Someone should disconnect my internet too.

168-Hyped Up and Headachey

I've been dealing with some strange things lately. Feelings I didn't know I had that I'm still not sure that I do. I hurt all over, my active lifestyle finally catching up to me. Spiritual battles that bring me closer to the Father. It's within the context of stress, finals, deadlines for papers, sunshine, and being in contact with good friends that I've learned some pretty important things about myself in the last few days. Mainly what I want to get from this life, and what my expectations were of the college experience.

Right now, I'm on the crash from the about 6 Airhead that I devoured about an hour ago. Immediate result: WOOHHOO. Long term effect: OH MY, my head hurts.

I actually have to go study now, since my tea is done. I will formulate these things which I have learned tomorrow evening or possibly Monday.

166

I have been in a little bit of a funk lately. I don't know why, although I have realized it. It took my roommate saying something pretty uncharacteristic to snap me out of it, because I really wasn't being nice to him.

I suppose school is stressing me out a little bit. Not too much, and it should look better to me after the weekend because I'll have my other papers done.

I broke my rule for myself, and when rock climbing was proposed by a stack mate I hesitantly agreed. I had tons of fun though, meeting a friend there on accident who is a pretty good climber and a SUPER cool guy. I had a good day, and spent it mostly trying this one that required jumping twice, once to the side, and the other straight up. I wound up getting it right after my friend, and it's the coolest feeling to get a route you've been trying for a while. I sang really loud right afterward "You're my inspiraaaation!"

Yeah it was funny.

It's bedtime now. Tomorrow's Friday. THANK GOODNESS

165

Of course, it had to be sunny today, and I have been in class. Well, I hopped on a slackline that some people had set up, but otherwise I've done pretty much nothing. I did manage to do a bit of research this morning, but after dinner, I have to get going hard-core on a history paper for one of my classes. It's not going to be difficult, I would just rather spend the time researching for my other paper, studying, or, better yet, hanging out and doing nothing.

I'm committed myself to rest and study for the next few days, which both blows, since I have an enormous amount of pent-up energy that must be discharged preferably while communing with nature or climbing, and is awesome, since I have a ton of studying I have to do, and I've got a right arm that really hurts after I've climbed for about a half hour. That really needs to heal so I don't rip my tendon in half. So, even though I don't like it, I really need a rest from my immense amounts of physical exhertion.

I had a thought today. It was epic, but I can't actually remember what it was right now.

I think it was science related. But I can't be sure.

I'll let you know if I remember.

Day 164- Bittersweet

Today was cloudy turned sunny, and it happened to turn sunny while I was hiking. AAWWW YEAH. I did have to go by myself again, and was once more bummed at my friend for having something school-oriented to do, but I managed. I also bought rock shoes and an REI membership, running me about $100 that I am going to need a little bit later. Pretty fun stuff.

Why is it that whenever someone doesn't want to do something, they say they have school stuff to work on? "Oh, I'm sorry, my meeting got rescheduled, I can't make it." or "Dude, so sorry, but I have a four page paper due tomorrow and I haven't even started yet." LAME. Studying is the ever present thing you should be doing, but never actually do.

So I have a ton of stuff to do, but I'm gonna go skateboard instead. Because I don't want to study.

162

These next few weeks are going to be a royal pain in the butt. For real.

I went to church this morning, which always seems to be awkward. I feel like a visitor at Glenwood, and while I enjoy it, it's just...different. Talking to people you haven't seen in awhile is sort of weird.

Drove back north, singing along to Brad Paisley, Garth Brooks, Counting Crows, and random other songs. Man I love singing. I'm certainly terrible at it, but it's a blast.

I never thought climbing could feel so good. I'm seriously addicted. It felt so good to get on that wall again this evening, even if I did have to climb by myself. It feels good to conquer routes that have stumped you for three days in a row.

So here I am. Checking facebook and blogging instead of reading and writing like I'm supposed to.

Meh.

I'll make it. It's supposed to be a beautiful week mostly, so hopefully I'll still be able to get stuff done.

And hike. WOOT

161

I spent yesterday in my truck driving back down to Vancouver.  I went out with some buddies last night, my first night of pub-experience.  It was nice to get out and chill with people I haven't seen in awhile.

Otherwise, not much has been going on.  I forgot how much fun it was to play my Fender Telecaster, so I'm bringing that back up with me, as well as an amp possibly.  We'll see what the roomie says.  

I should be reading, but don't really want to.  

Hopefully this evening I'll get to hang out with some more of the fellas, which is the plan, but we haven't really formulated a plan at this point. 

I want to be rock climbing SO BAD right now.  I just feel my arms getting weaker, and I've resolved to get good at it.  I probably should let my muscles heal though.

Ok.  I have nothing else to say of any value whatsoever.  

Cheers.