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I think it was Friday night when I had my revelation into my own existance. I've been mulling it over for a few days, and here goes.


But first, some background.


For those who know me, which I presume would be all of you, you know that I'm a single guy. For awhile actually. Actually, my last relationship of which to speak was the first week of my freshman year in high school. It lasted about that long as well: a week. Hardly a relationship, so I don't really count it. This is the extent of the dating I've done in the last 7 years. My attempts at high school romance abruptly ended when I was shot down via instant message my senior year. Since, I won't say I haven't looked, but I haven't tried. I simply had too many things to do, full-time school, full-time work, worship team, college group, friends, snowboarding, etc. I knew I was leaving in two years for university. I'd get a dog and drive with his head hanging out the window of a Chevy pickup truck.


When I came up to college, I figured I'd have a fresh start. Maybe meet a nice hippy girl, we'd go pick up garbage and commune with nature, slack line, talk about politics, bash the Establishment, talk Marxism and about why capitalism sucks. I found myself wanting a relationship, but never actually having the cajones to talk to that pretty girl in class. I heard about girls liking me but didn't care. I maintained the same mindset as I had had at Clark College, essentially. I was (and am) scared of girls. They were a distraction. A tie-down, if you will. They would keep me from what two goals I had - travel with my dog (which I've not yet acquired) and settling in the mountains.


I basically didn't want to work for it. I just wanted to have fun.


On winter break, I sat down and had a lengthy conversation with my grandpa on this exact subject. This was the turning point for me. I won't go into the details of the conversation, but what eventually came out was for me to realize that I couldn't be alone forever.


I began to be interested. Actively interested for once. You know what it did? It made winter quarter suck. I had my fair share of fun, but always in the back of my mind was "Does this girl like me? What about what she said that one time when we did this?" I hated my spinelessness as I began to marginalize my faith for the sake of my own likability. I was selling out. And I knew it. I became a jerk due to my irritability. I was always worried, and worry would flare up when I realized I had a paper due. Like now.

Which actually brings me to now.

I like girls. I'm terrified of them, and I'm terrified I'll never find one that's worth the guts it took to say hi in the first place. But I was happier with the notion I'd be single forever. It gave me an excuse to be scared. I never pursued, and I was fine with that. And while I do need to get over myself and being scared (I mean, seriously, the worst that could happen is they could say "Go away you loser") I'm content with being single for now. If things work out with someone in the next year and a half, sweet. If not, sweet. I really don't care. Yeah, there's someone right now I'm interested in. But pushing it toward a dating relationship right away is just not going to make things happen the way God intended them to. Again, if things work out, sweet. If not, totally fine with that.

Otherwise, I've been realizing I don't do well with people around me ALL THE TIME. Such is living in the dorms. And such will be being a resident advisor. I just need to figure out a balance. One thing is for sure, though. Next year, I'll have my own room. And in that room will NOT be a TV.

Someone should disconnect my internet too.